Psa 143:10

They listen to the angel’s words – can it be? - and they scurry, terrified and full of joy.

Terrified and full of joy - I live there. It is possible to be afraid of what obedience might bring next and be full of thanks and overflowing joy and TRUST anyway. This giddy anticipation because we see all that He has done for us and we believe that He can only bring more good. Good, even in the ugly.

We sit in the lantern light late into the night and the tears stream. We sit broken and I choke out the ugly words, words that have been there but I have been too appalled to voice, “I think sometimes, I am afraid to trust the will of God.” Ugly sin. All these shortcomings, all these iniquities, I let them flow. “I mean. I do trust Him. But sometimes I am still afraid of what He might bring next.”

God did not give me a spirit of fear… perfect love drives out fear… do not be afraid I am with you…” 

Today I gaze at my Savior and I know: courage is not the absence of fear.

Courage is to say, “I am afraid,” but walk it anyway. Courage is to stand broken and limping and look into these faces around us, His faces, and say, “Not my will but yours Father.” Courage is to say, “I don’t want to do this,” but to grab tight to a slaughtered Son and let His blood pool in my sin-holes and allow Him to pull me with Him into glory.

To wonder if He sees and how could this be the good and perfect plan, because you know, it looks pretty ugly sometimes. But I also know that I can trust Him anyway because I would have never put my child on the cross and He did that. He did that for me and for you. And because of what He’s done, I trust Him with all that He is yet to do.”

Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. Psa34